Hide and seek

What is the truth? I look around and keep asking myself and God which part of the world is real? I have a feeling that He will answer that it's all of it. It is the reality into which we were born, and so many people live their daily lives without these difficult question WHY DO WE DO WHAT WE DO? The thing is, I guess, that some of the reality that we see is a veil put on our eyes so that we wouldn't see more, that we wouldn't see the full picture. Someone is trying very hard to keep us from looking around, to keep us in our tunnel-vision. We go to work, get into a system there, we eat, we drink, we sleep, we get into the cars and drive, and I don't know if you have this feeling, at least from time to time, that we are being made into machines, into robots with controlled actions or, better to say, minds. And if you don't fit in, you are simply dismissed: not accepted, laughed at, ignored, considered mental, threatened, etc.. People with developmental impairments, I would say, are the best example of it. But someone is trying to work on them, too. All kind of games are used to get you into the system, into the structure. They say, 'It has always been this way. Our fathers, and their fathers did this' or 'We need to progress' or all kind of other "arguments". They are nice, they are harsh. I'm not surprised that people get lost in the midst of all these changes, new technologies, etc. I'm not surprised people lose faith, trust in God, because there is so much deceit around that it is really difficult to believe something is true. It actually starts to be very hard to even trust your own ability to think and search for truth. And here is where the system gets you: when you start doubting your beliefs and stop thinking and discerning critically what "people say", you become a very easy target for control. Then something that is pleasant for you becomes the bait to hook you deathly... Thinking of all this, I'm asking myself, 'Is there a man being with whom I will not have to compromise my beliefs, but share them in a together life?' If there is one, I'd like to ask him, 'Will you marry me?' Don't laugh at me:) I know that sometimes it sounds cheesy, and sometimes girlish... or maybe not that sometimes. But I believe as men and women we were created to be together, not remain single. I simply don't want compromise who I am. I don't want to exchange my freedom in Christ for anything that will inhibit its sparkle that many people admire and envy. They want it, but don't want to give away the garbage they hold on to, and I treasure what I have in Christ more than any riches of the world, more than tradition, more than a mere man. Nothing can compare to the life in Christ that was given to me (and everyone can choose to have it). But laws of nature that were put in me and every man and woman in the beginning of creation, are alive in me, and they are needed, but because of sin, they need to be kept in place by regulations...
So, my question remains... Is there a man...?

Movie 4 two

I'm stuck... Very very very much badly stuck in this inbetween teritory of decision how to be, where to be... and with whom... Today browsing through some movies I had this thought crossing my mind, 'Some movies are to be watched by two.' Not sure if this is the  real reason, but this thought opened my eyes to the root of why I'm stuck. I'm waiting and I am afraid that if I go, he might come and not find me, and we will miss each other. It's difficult to let go some of the hopes, and it's difficult not to. It's like ripping a piece of raw flesh from your body without any anesthetics. Nevertheless you know that this piece makes you sick and stops you from moving forward, it has also become a vital part of your life. That is why it feels like nothing and no-one will be able to fill that empty hope up, and the wound will never heal up... And I know I'm not Adam, but in my soul I have this reminder of what God's word says,

'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.' 

(Genesis 2:21)

Words of prophesy and prophetical dreams are being reminded to me. Still decision needs to be made and somehow, despite of all the assurance that I get from Him, I'm afraid I will not make it without clinging to the thoughts of the one... I believe I will be able to do that, I will be able to let go him, and let in God, just don't know how long that might take.

Planning for the next year, 2013

I found some thoughts of my other best heroes after Jesus:

Do not expect a different result unless you do some changes. There are times we wait for God to do something and times when God waits for us to do something. May you discern what this is, by His grace, for 2013. /Nick Vuijcic/

"... exactly like the pattern I will show you" (Exodus 25:9)... As you plan and prepare for 2013 don't depart from the pattern God gave to you. /Christine Cain/

'Let's fight the good fight in 2013, and avoid bad, unfruitful fights. Let's choose to praise God in all circumstances and believe in His faithfulness. Let's take a year off worrying and start praising. Let's start trusting in His Word.' "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)
/Kris Mikkelson, Hillsong London Surrey/

As we move into 2013, why not decide to focus much more on what is right with Jesus than what is wrong with you! You become what you behold! /Christine Cain/

Leave 2012 the way you want to ENTER 2013 - With praise & thanksgiving! /Brian Houston/

 

 

Persevering in love

There is a great danger when at some point you start thinking that others are weird, strange people. Comparing to whom?! To you? Today, I caught myself having this kind of thought in my head when I was in the movie with one of my co-workers. To my eyes, she was acting strange, being over polite, it didn't feel real, sincere, it felt like an act. But was that really an act? Sometimes we take our belief, our assumption and make it a reality, when truly that is not the actual reality. I have a suspicion that it mostly happens to us, women. Sometimes we just want to believe what we see about it, and not to consider what we actually see. And because I am a woman, I believe that there are others who have the same difficulty of letting go my own understanding and just accepting what it is or maybe thinking what can be done to change the whole situation without getting emotional, without over-analysing it, without all these what-ifs. So, here I am sitting and struggling with my own mind, and maybe even woman-nature. I guess, I am one of these people from Perfect land (see Mark Gungor for that:)) who loves so much that they want to fix everyone, and so tell them what is wrong with them... Or simply see what is wrong without even a hint of thought that maybe it seems wrong just to me. It's like I'm thinking that everyone should be as perfect as me!!! What a horror movie that it!!! And so, not long ago, I started learning the art of encouragement, letting others be who they are and telling them about what would be good to be changed in a loving and kind way. Lord is just killing my flesh with no mercy at all. And I am the land who suffers the war. I'm constantly nudged to be silent, to keep my words to myself, and not to be reactive.  It is a good road that I'm walking, but it's like walking the road which is slightly mounting. On such a road you get tired very quickly. And very soon you feel the temptation to turn around and walk down the hill simply because it's so much easier. So I'm praying that God would give me strength to withstand till the end - till the top of the mountain...

... but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

(Matthew 24:13)

Faith, Hope and Love

To have faith in God is not an easy task. You have to trust someone you don't see, and believe He is good and wants the best for your life even if things at the moment are not going really to a "good" direction. It always seems that the way I see it and foresee it is much better and more obvious. Still... there are situations when you don't know how it will go if it goes your way. There is no assurance that you will definitely have things the way you imagined or strategized... I wonder if you can "strategize" things at all in the matter like this - I mean, relationship. You start having hope that somehow it will turn out well... even if things don't seem to even go that way. How do you check if the person actually thinks of you or does actually feel something? I mean, I'm a girl and have certain assumptions, hypothesis on how the guy should show whether he is interested. I really have this problem now about figuring out what is going on and... if anything is going on. I'd like to think that it is... but as some one from "Pride and Prejudice" said, 'If he liked you you would have to talk to him.' Maybe I hope for something that' not there - a particular person to act the way I imagine he should. And here I stop. Understanding that I might just be in love with him cause I don't want to daydream about him. I want to wait until he comes (if he comes) back. Wait with hope. And even if this is not to happen, I know that it was the most enriching experience for me God gave me in my life up till now. And it is really difficult to let it go, because it actually might be very real that it was one time in a life time that we met. How do you stay sane when you get divided with someone you tied yourself to by thousands of miles with no assurance that you meet someday? How do you go on? How do you find strength to wake up with the hope and belief that it's worth to get you butt out of bed and do something useful? Only by faith. Faith in God, that He has something more in store than your eyes can see and you mind can think of. Unto that I hold even though it might seem stupid to someone... I think it is romantic :)

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 

(Hebrews 11:1)

Fake vs Authentic

Do you feel the longing to be authentic? Ever? Recently, I pondered this a lot. Who am I? What am I? What kind of person am I? Some people like me, some don't. On what basis? Some people put the demands on you to be some kind of person because you are... a girl. Is there a standard for how a daughter should act or look like? Is there one for a girl? Sometimes I feel like a teenager, and I want to act like one, and when I do that  (maybe not that good as it would be for a teenager) I face reactions of some people which says something like "Act your age" (which is not a teen age). I want to dress in a way that for some do not look feminine... but that is just me. Who said that women should look a certain way for men to get atrracted to them? He was a jerk. I am a woman, and if I need to loose my authenticity to be with a man, I don't need such a guy. I presume that if I am to be with a man, he will have to bear with me the way I am: stubborn at times, strong-willed, totally romantic and tender inside, and you will have to fight for me, baby. Is there a man who doesn't want a "hot" blond chick? I'm sure there is. On the other hand, women have been selling themselves for the pennies of male attention for so long that they started to think that being and acting, and looking certain way will make them happy and ensure a happy family picture for them. I'm not angry, I'm not ugly (of course, that depends on how you look at it), I would say that many guys would describe me as beautiful woman (not being very modest here), just... I want to be who I was meant to be according to God, not to people. When He said that He made me in my mother's womb, He knew what He was doing, my mother didn't. Somehow it happened that in a journey through history of manhood we lost our sense of authenticity of being original. And I don't mean only women. The same is with men. So often we are ashamed of our individuality, of being one-of-a-kind, and started to be somebody else. A whole lot of generations are lost and cursed in "social normality", became unknown people. Grey people. I'm not against of being ordinary person who does his everyday chores. I don't want to say that everybody should seek to be a king or a great leader. What I'm saying is that many of us has lost the joy of being who they want in spite of all the demands from the environment. Most of us despise people who clean the streets. I mean, I don't think that there are many people who actually want that for their occupation. But I'm sure there are people who like to do that, and, e.g. me so often get astonished when someone says that. We think that people always should want to more in life. But what if there was more people who would like to be someone for another person than just seeking bigger things like to make a career or more money, or become famous, etc. Smiling at the cleaner or sweeper, greeting them and being nice to some people who actually do a "dirty" job wouldn't cost us more, but would put some value on the work that at the end of the day is really needed. Otherwise, we would live in a mess.
We learned to be someone we are supposed to be or think is good to be, and there was no one to help us to grow into ones we were created to be. At this point of my adult life, I'm starting a new journey which takes me on a road I know nothing about. Just the feeling that it's a road where my fake identity will be ripped off me, and I will discover who I am in God's eyes. I am created in His image, afterall. It should count for something after any of us meet Jesus personally. Only the One who knows us from the very moment of our conception can tell us what He has created in us.

Terra Incognita

When I think about it, almost a year passed since I actively wrote something here... And what brings me back is something I cannot understand. I have to say, I don't know what stopped me from sharing my thoughts here either. There times when something dies in you, and you know that there has to be another path you have to start walking, and for some time you stand on the crossroad asking yourself and most probably God where to turn. I don't know how we loose our path, but it just happens. Sometimes you get tired of being watchful...
But here I am again. Started walking the path which I was not looking for and have no idea where it leads. The only thing I hear is, "Be still and trust me". It's the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. How do I know? It calls me to trust no one and nothing else but the promise of God made through the cross where Jesus died for my transgressions. The promise of becoming a child of a loving, caring Dad, who has plans for my well-being. Maybe not in this world, but with the hope of having one for eternity. On the other hand, I really believe that God wants to bless us in this life as well; He just don't wat us to believe that this life is all we have. With these thoughts, I'm trusting Him to clarify the situation I am in now... The situation of my heart. I want to believe that every woman on this planet earth wants to be loved and to give love. I'm not an exception. And we strive to have relationship where we would experience at least a little bit of the fairy-tale we long to be real in our life. Terra incognita for me is that I'm willingly giving my story with a man into God's hands, stepping back a bit and waiting for him, the man, to make his decision without my intrusion. My flesh goes against it with all that it has, but Christ said that we have to kill fleshy desires with the Spirit. And so I am willing to do. My spirit, my heart wants to wait, my flesh wants to flirt and attract. It's a battle and I have no idea what is waiting for me on the other side of this stormy sea. But I have resolved in my heart to wait upon the Lord, and may He help me through it.

A thought

A moment comes in your life when you want to reveal yourself just as you are without showing off or trying to attract someone; when you don't want to fascinate someone, but you want that someone would simply marvel at you and delight in being with you just as you are; when you understand that you want to simply be known and you want to simply know someone.

This was the thought I had couple of days before leaving for Belarus. And when I look at what happened during these 3 weeks from that moment, I see that God has heard my prayer without me even praying about it... He definitely knows what we need and He gives that right on time.

A Breeze

Life is becoming very interesting... At some point I'm in love again. With God, with Jesus. I just love being with Him, feeling Him near, knowing that He is always there for me, talking to Him, getting answers, warnings. I just love how He says things to me, how He teaches me, lets me know about things He sees I need to change. I love the way he convicts me of wrongdoing.
Life is changing, just I have no idea what turn it is taking. He is telling me the words of comfort, of assurance, encouraging me to trust Him in every way I'm taking.
Today I had coversation with one of the most adorable guys in our school. I just felt he needs the hug, and my attention. I just want to kiss him over:) He is so cute. I'd like to have a son like him, with the same tender heart. May God's grace guard his soul...
God is breathing His breath over Lithuania very strongly, people are so touched by His Spirit that it's so hard and yet so wonderful to see it. Our church is filling in with broken people, and sometimes it's so difficult to accept some of them, or accept some of the character of these people. And it's all like soft wind which is felt in an open air and feels so refreshing and cooling. I just go, and do, and be who I am supposed to be in Christ. I'm not saying it's easy for me; it is a challenge, because it's different than anything else, it's different than it was before...

The Best of the best

I keep asking God why I still have some of the difficulties, why the same things hurt me over and over thought it seems that my walk with God is going quite smoothly... Our human hearts sometimes are so deeply hurt that it is hard to bear the pain that surfaces so suddenly. It seems that you have just overcame one battle, and you want to catch your breath back, and sit peacefully for some time, but... Another battle is starting to show its signs... It's like a number of sharp arrows hit your body from different sides, and the only thing you want to do is fall down and give up, flow with the crowd. Sometimes I'm asking myself what keeps me getting up and moving on, resisting the flow? My answer is, "I don't want to fall into darkness". Every time I'm thinking that I can't take any more, I can feel its breath into my face, that creepy feeling of horror that the old nightmares are coming back and planning to take back what was once theirs. I know that in the Land of Light and Joy, there is no darkness, and God will not allow any of it to come and destroy His kingdom. So, nothing which has any dark spot will ever slip through the gates. Somehow I remember the parable about the invitation to the wedding... I need to be in a wedding dress. It's not about the fear of going to hell. Some people think they might get through with that. No way... It's all about love. You can do anything for the one you love. And if you love LOVE, then it's double power in you.

I love God who is LOVE. I love God who is COMPASSION. I love God who GAVE HIS LIFE FOR ME to be free. I just love being in His presence, I love to feel that He is near and always there for me. I love to know that I'm never alone with my own pain or hurt. I know, and I love to know that, that He is always there to provide help and good advise. The breath of death makes the breath of life more vivid, more desirable, more motivating. Especially when you know that it's abundant life. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that the breath of freedom, of a free life is somewhat scary... We got used to live in prison, in slavery, and that's the reason why we don't know how to use the freedom we get in God. We forgot it's taste, we forgot how it smells, we forgot how it feels to be completely free. And we have to learn to do freedom anew.. It takes time, it takes efforts, and sometimes it takes going the painful road which you would rather choose not to go. Not to reveal even to yourself those painful experiences, those painful feelings, those hard attempts to have a better life... without God. Today I'm thankful to God for not giving up on me, for believing in me, for getting me out of my own mess... I'm thankful that He could throw away the garbage that I thought to be gold or very important part of my life. He is the most important thing, person in my life. He is my life, my breath of freedom in which I have to learn to live. I am strong though I am weak, but my strength lies not in my own strength, knowledge, and gifting. My strength, my freedom lies in Him - God who loved me so much that He gave His only Son to clean up the mess in my life. He is the best of the best of the best:)

Heart in battle field

I know that this will pass -
the pain, the loss, the sadness.
I know You'll carry it away with grace
that overcomes it all.
I know You'll come,
I know my soul will find a rest in You.
I know You're here already
looking after me and caring.
I know You love,
I know You want to wipe my tears away.
Then...
why it is so hard to live in this?

Sometimes the only thing you are left with is faith... It is kind of obvious that this should be the main thing, the most important thing, and yo should rejoice in it.
Sometimes I would just like to shut my eyes up and not see, to plug up my ears and not to hear, to lock my heart and not to feel... Kind of depressive feelings after this wonderful celebration of Jesus' birthday... I am happy that He was born, that He faced all the human things I'm going through even though He was a man:) I am happy and really thankful for His death on the cross, and enormously grateful for resurrection in which all my hope for seeing His face and meeting my Dad and Creator one day lies. This is true. And it is also true that I get into such a difficult life period when I think I cannot make it anymore... I'm letting so many things that it seems that I'm left with nothing... God is leaving me only with one thing - His presence. It is precious and the most dear thing. I know so well that it is the dearest thing ever, and nothing compares to it. But on the other hand, it is so difficult to let go things that you are used to, that makes you feel safe, that you are familiar with and you know how it works. It's because I am human, and I still have an old nature in my bones. No one said it is gonna be easy if you really go after Christ, but still everyone expects that. I expect that, and I guess this makes the battle more difficult to fight...

All I have is Yours...

It's so hard to say these words "All I have is Yours, God". I am currently quite often reminded of the story about the servants that were given some money by their master to take care of. It was not their property, but that only made things more difficult for them. I mean, they had to feel more responsible. Sometimes we don't deal with our stuff very caring and waste them or keep them safe and do not invest because it feel so good just to have stuff or else. In general, we are just free to do whatever we want. But when we are given something by someone to make use of it, we have kind of responsibility to do that. I remember one pastor told a story how he and his wife left a car to their neighbor because they left the country for one year. He was supposed to use it, but instead he kept it in the garage and... parts of it rusted up. And when these pastors came back they had a lot more problems with it than when they left just because this neighbor didn't use it. I guess, it would even be better if the car would have been crashed in the accident than left to deteriorate.
When it comes to God we don't own a thing in our life, even our own bodies. Everything I have belongs to Him and comes from Him. It is written in James 1:17 that "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights". When you think carefully (and this, by the way, contradicts the fact that Christians are naive sissies, because we have to THINK to understand things of God), we haven't even given birth to ourselves. For us it was pretty comfy to be in the belly of our mother, and I am sure that it would be called really foolish if we wanted to get out of a place where we don't have to look for food, where it is warm and where we have "roof' over our heads, and we do not need to be worried about the clothes (especially important for women:))) We were kicked out by our mother (and I'm not surprised it is called labour in English - it looks like really hard work when you hear the stories) or taken out by a "good" fellow - obstetrician or surgeon (I don't know who does all the surgeries in this field yet:)). And we screamed at him or her. It might be that it could be something like this, "What did you, jerk?!! Get me back right NOW!!!" (sorry for bad language) We could have stayed dust-like, but God decided to create a man... He owns the authorship of our outward and inward stuff, our psyche complexity and other things that makes me who I am. It's simply overwhelming!!! He gave me my abilities, allowed me achieve things I have, finish my studies, have friends who are so right for me, get my job, and the list can go on. But we don't think about it like that. We think WE own these things. We think WE have achieved what we have achieved. We think WE are COOL because WE are so SMART. Oh, please, give me a break!!! It's just terrible how people DO NOT THINK. Well, they might think, but up till some level which is controlable.
We were give life - this is the money we have to invest to see our Master happy. We cannot dig it under ground, and think that we will be able to store it up till the day when all the worries and shades of the world will pass, and we will be able to dig it out and show, "Here, take what's yours". It's not gonna work. We will rust up like that car in the garage. It's better to be crushed down, spitted at, laughed at, but to live a life according to what you've been given, making use of it even if not always successful. If you invest your life in the way God has ordained you will definitely have His welcome to His presence.

"Lord, all I have is Yours. Sometimes, I get confused and lost about how to use what You have given to me, so I pray that You would help me to see it in the best way which will glorify You, the giver of life, light and peace. In Jesus name. Amen"

Reminders

It's so refreshing when the cover of grey clouds is pierced with the blade of sunshine:) I love that view.
So often we are clouded with different hard questions which are not being answered, worries of life or our heart, difficulties and trials in our lives. I have to say it is not my favourite time of the season. I feel down, I miss sun, I miss light, I miss blue sky... When I look at it in these good times, it feels as if I can see my King and Saviour there walking around and smiling, and delighting in us. When I look at the grey sky with these big heavy clouds, it seems that gates of heaven are shut forever... But God established shifts between night and day, and we do not have dark periods for eternity. Praise the Lord for that! He always reminds us that He is the loving father, and just King. Today, finally, His love and might has got through the clouds of my life reminding me that I still am His beloved daughter, His redeemed child. He reminded me of what He told me 7 years ago when we had our first real conversation. When I suddenly heard His voice saying that only He is to be the foundation of my life because He is the same yesterday, today and forever, because His love for me never changes... That was the happiest day of my life, just I didn't understand at that time. And it is not that I didn't know about all this. It's just that sometimes knowing is not everything. Sometimes you just don't see how He works or the way He works is not the way you think things should go. This makes you feel as if He's somewhere thousands miles away, and doesn't care about you being in the pit of dispair, anxiety, etc. But He is always there, trying to tell you that He is right here, on your left or right, or even standing and looking at your face. We only have to lift up our eyes and look to the hills ... and hearts as well. I love God:) I love Holy Spirit:) It is really good at reminding the great works God did for you, blessings that were poured out, and promises that were given. It reminds us about God's faithfulness and love for everyone. EVERYONE. No one is excluded even the worst of all. And one big reminder is that Jesus did died on the cross and that the tomb is empty. It looks like this truth is penetrating my mind in this season of my life. My heart has already given up, but my mind is still in the battle field sometimes (I guess, there will always be a season for that). Anyway, I want to make a reminder in big letters and stick it on the walls of my house that everytime things will get on the edge of desperation, I would see it

Ponder no more. Just live the live you were given...

Letting go...

Sometimes it seems that life is getting out of your hands over and over. Now the time has come again... What does it show? I haven't given certain spheres to my Creator and Saviour to be the Chief and Commander. It is always like that: you are going in circles like Israelites did in the desert. God does wants to put you in the promised land, just you keep going off the track. I am surprised by God's patience. It is so difficult to walk in faith, to step into unknown with nothing in your hands but faith and trust in the One who alone is able to keep your head above the water. The most amasing thing for me about God is that He is waiting because He knows that I will make the step forward - towards Him and will grab His hand. He knows how tied we are to the worldly stuff and how big the control issues are in our hearts. Letting go is difficult, but not impossible. What is really important to God is us not giving up trying: stumbling, falling, but still getting up. If I didn't have this trust in Him, this wonderful conviction of Holy Spirit that He who began the work in us is faithful and will finish it until the day of Christ coming back, I wouldn't have survived and would have drawn back. I'm waiting for the moment I will not be afraid to step over my fear...

New doors

Today I saw new doors right in front of me. I tried not to look at them, not to notice, but they were there, and were not to move anywhere except for getting behind my back when I open them and go through them... I hesitated, I bursted into tears because it was so scary. I mean, ain't you supposed to be happy with the new calling? I was not happy, I wanted to draw back, and say, "No, Lord, this is too much for me. I don't think I can do that. It's not for me. Maybe you should look for someone else." All this stuff was going through my mind, and all around one thought that was not a doubtful one, but very clear. Did you ever had the kind of moments when you know the truth, but simply you are trying to avoid accepting it? Or when you know where you have to go and what you have to do, but you are focusing on a lot of other stuff just not to do what you are supposed to do, making various kind of excuses, etc.? And you are doing this only because YOU think you are not able to do, or you are weak or else. For me, the most incredible thing about God putting gifts and callings in our life is that He thinks I am the one who is capable to do the appointed task. I have to admit that the moment of today when I saw the doors and understood that I will have to enter through it was sooooo stressful! It's like when you are asked to enter the unknown. It's realy scary. You always want to escape the uncomfortable situations, and just live freely and without any big interruptions. But this is not the life we were calle to be on this planet Earth. We are to be interrupted by God at any time of the day or night. Recently, I shared with my friend that I feel like God is guiding me through the labirinth, and that I have lost any understanding of which way to go, and the only thing left is just to focus on God and go after Him. Some time later in my paper diary I wrote that Lord is opening a new door for my ministry, new spheres of impact. When I think about all the stuff that is happening recently in my life, I find it so BIG, so OVERWHELMING. I want to scream to the Lord that I cannot manage that, but today He showed once again: IT IS NOT FOR ME TO MANAGE. I have to do my part. It is not me doing the salvation job, it Him. He knows I cannot do all things. If I could I wouldn't need my brothers and sisters in Christ. HE, GOD, knows that I can do what He is appointing me to do. On the other hand, I have to be prepared, we, Christians, have to be prepared to enter big plans of God. He is not doing a small talk. He is doing the big stuff, He is messing the mind of the wise and powerful, He is lifting the heads of the desperate in the ways that are far beyond our understanding. At some point, we don't need to understand - we need to obey and trust. And today, nevertheless I was freaking out about what things and relationships I would have to let go, I have chosen to open the doors and welcome the unknown; and that was done with feeling weak and uncertain, and vulnerable. I have the only weapon in my life - my faith in the faithful and loving God who has already shown me that I can trust Him in all matters in my life. My prayer is for strength and open eyes...

Escaping reality

It is always easy to dream about near or far away future... It is quite easy to imagine how things should be. It is much more difficult to start working for these things to happen. Things start at the bottom if we want to built somewhere up. Now it sounds like Christine Caine saying that when we know the blueprint it is necessary to start digging the dirt to start the building... You don't built 20th floor of the building and then go down with the building process. It sounds quite absurd especially when you know that we have the law of gravitation here on planet Earth... Sometimes people escape reality by daydreaming... Today, I feel I am one of them... even this writing here not in my own language... Sometimes I feel more secure with English. It's like talking about different person, not about myself... And at some point, it's like making sure that people who know you in your own country won't know these things about you. You might never meet people who will read this:) And that what makes internet quite a secure place to hide yourself in a crowd... Sometimes it is scary to face reality of self, to face the real situation you are at... There was time when not doing nothing was a shame for me. At the moment I am doing nothing (I mean, I am not working), but the situation is different in this aspect: I am trying to look fine and pretenting that it is a perfect time to "look for God". It's such a lie!!! And taking into account the fact that God knows everything about me - every thought, move, feeling - I am lying to myself. I am just trying look cool... And actually, I am looking miserable... inside... I hear the words from the letter to the Church of Laodicea in the book of Revelation: "You say, 'I'm rich. I have everything I want. I don't need a thing!' And you don't realise that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked." (Rev 3:17) Well, I am beginning to realise my nakedness now, and it's really uncomfortable for me to see these things... God is stopping me now, and if I won't do this, He will try to stop me next time,and it can be much painful than it is now. Sometimes I feel as if I am trying to implement the prophesy myself... It is so difficult to acknowledge that I need only to live having in mind God's commands, and He will do things that needs to be done. Sin was saying to God, "I want to live in my own way". What is "my own"? You and me, we even didn't create ourselves. How, on earth, can we know what is our way? Well, at some point I would say that now I know what is my way - it is God's way:) What is God's way? Good question:) Can you trust Him and follow His instructions without questioning? Or questioning Him is just a form of trying to avoid responsibility to do what is appointed to you, a form of rebellion?...

Question

Kind of continuation...

... whom do you trust?

... what do you trust?

... where does your hope or meaning of life lies?

How big is your fear?

This question was bugging my mind for couple of days... Today I want to ask you, whether your fear of:
- losing job...
- not making career...
- stopping your studies or not succeeding in them...
- not having enough money...
- losing your car...
- losing your flat...
- losing the comfort you have...
- losing your family...
- losing your friends...
- being lonely...
- being out of place...
- being different...
- being called "jerk", "fanatic" or else words...
- being in the last line...
- dying...
- hunger and thirst...
- etc.

... is bigger than the fear of losing relationship with God?

So often we tie our hearts to very wordly things, sometimes with really good intentions - to proclaim Good News and God's glory... So often we end up with our glory by starting to do our works rather than God's. So often we get stressed just because we are not succeeding the way we think we should. So often we say, "I have to work, Jesus. Just wait a moment; I'll finish this and we will talk then..." So often this 'then" never comes. We find millions of reasons not to give time for Jesus. Sometimes it is because we think that He is always here, somewhere beside us... Well, yeah, He is, just after very long time of non-communication or not paying attention to what He says, we forget how His voice sounds, and how He looks like... And the consequesces are that we simply stop trusting Him, we doubt Him, we say, "Is it really your will?" or just cry out, "God show me how should I do this or that?!", but when He says what to do, we turn around as wonder, "Are you sure?". This usually happens when His suggestion does not look right to our eyes. But thanks God, that He is not like human, and sees things not like human.

So... how many compromises you make when God says you to leave your comfy sofa, flat, job...? How desparately you seek husband or wife rather that seeking God first, seeking relationship with Him? How many contra-arguments you find when you have to leave your family for God's work or just give more time for ministry...? How easy is your separation form parents to be gone with God? It sounds radical, too demanding, but God wants all your life, trust and hope to be in His hands. And it is for our best.

(hopefully to be continued)

Changes knock at the door

The time has come... for something more than just sitting on your comfy sofa, thinking peacefully about something to be changed. It knocks, it invites. Why it?! It is He who speaks with His word which is so alive even if it was spoken ages ago. Today I read: "I let you choose the way of life and the way of death" (Jer 21:8). It sounds really strange for me at the moment when he says to me: "Surrender! And I will save you." And this speaks to my heart so strongly. It is not jumping from fear, it stays in peace when hearing these words, and this tells me that it is true, and that this comes from the Lord. If it was my decision I'd rather stayed with what I'm in, and would struggle to fight with something that is not for my strength, and that is not my fight. Sometimes we strive to change the the whole world just with our strength, and stop hearing Lord's voice telling us to do other things. We so often fight the fight that is not ours, and then we wonder why God turns away and doesn't bless... Sometimes walking with God is just like walking on water with waves under your feet, but as one song sings "at Your word, Lord, I'll receive Your faith to walk on oceans deep." I know, I have to do what I have to do, and first of all trust His word and promise, and walk on this water...

After camping

So... I am back after two weeks break from internet, city dusts and civilization. It is strange, and at some point difficult to return. I feel heavy. As if some load was put on my heart full of worries, job issues, changes, worldly race for money, career and better life. Today's sermon was about being rich, and still being with God. What are the conditions? Not to be tied to your riches in your heart. Everything you have is to glorify God, and do good works according to His will. At some point it was not so clearly explained, but I guess clarity relates a lot to the experience the preacher has. Still the message was clear. Again, I will have to give my own time to clarify things for me, so that I could talk to others on that. It is a big issue, I see, in today's society. And it is so amazing to understand God's will for us, and what is good for us. Still, my heart struggles with something now. I can't even say with what...