Movie 4 two

I'm stuck... Very very very much badly stuck in this inbetween teritory of decision how to be, where to be... and with whom... Today browsing through some movies I had this thought crossing my mind, 'Some movies are to be watched by two.' Not sure if this is the  real reason, but this thought opened my eyes to the root of why I'm stuck. I'm waiting and I am afraid that if I go, he might come and not find me, and we will miss each other. It's difficult to let go some of the hopes, and it's difficult not to. It's like ripping a piece of raw flesh from your body without any anesthetics. Nevertheless you know that this piece makes you sick and stops you from moving forward, it has also become a vital part of your life. That is why it feels like nothing and no-one will be able to fill that empty hope up, and the wound will never heal up... And I know I'm not Adam, but in my soul I have this reminder of what God's word says,

'...and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh.' 

(Genesis 2:21)

Words of prophesy and prophetical dreams are being reminded to me. Still decision needs to be made and somehow, despite of all the assurance that I get from Him, I'm afraid I will not make it without clinging to the thoughts of the one... I believe I will be able to do that, I will be able to let go him, and let in God, just don't know how long that might take.

Persevering in love

There is a great danger when at some point you start thinking that others are weird, strange people. Comparing to whom?! To you? Today, I caught myself having this kind of thought in my head when I was in the movie with one of my co-workers. To my eyes, she was acting strange, being over polite, it didn't feel real, sincere, it felt like an act. But was that really an act? Sometimes we take our belief, our assumption and make it a reality, when truly that is not the actual reality. I have a suspicion that it mostly happens to us, women. Sometimes we just want to believe what we see about it, and not to consider what we actually see. And because I am a woman, I believe that there are others who have the same difficulty of letting go my own understanding and just accepting what it is or maybe thinking what can be done to change the whole situation without getting emotional, without over-analysing it, without all these what-ifs. So, here I am sitting and struggling with my own mind, and maybe even woman-nature. I guess, I am one of these people from Perfect land (see Mark Gungor for that:)) who loves so much that they want to fix everyone, and so tell them what is wrong with them... Or simply see what is wrong without even a hint of thought that maybe it seems wrong just to me. It's like I'm thinking that everyone should be as perfect as me!!! What a horror movie that it!!! And so, not long ago, I started learning the art of encouragement, letting others be who they are and telling them about what would be good to be changed in a loving and kind way. Lord is just killing my flesh with no mercy at all. And I am the land who suffers the war. I'm constantly nudged to be silent, to keep my words to myself, and not to be reactive.  It is a good road that I'm walking, but it's like walking the road which is slightly mounting. On such a road you get tired very quickly. And very soon you feel the temptation to turn around and walk down the hill simply because it's so much easier. So I'm praying that God would give me strength to withstand till the end - till the top of the mountain...

... but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

(Matthew 24:13)

2 Days to Christmas

It's such a freedom in Christ which is difficult to describe. I believe we all long for it. I was going to church today and a thought crossed my mind, "I have the freedom to love and forsake the freedom for the sake of others. I have a choice to love or to leave." God has chosen to love, and it's final. Christ in a manger. No matter what season that was, the fact that He lived is confirmed even by non-Christian historians, so He did exist, He did teach, He did die. This means that He was born. It might have been in June, as some say, it might be as well at our celebrated Christmas time. I believe God had a plan by not revealing this information. Even Jesus tried to tell people that He is not the most important in the all of this. The Father. His heart for His people. This is what is important. Our lives are to worship God, to be in awe when we see the works of His hands all around us, to rejoice in everything He gives us and to thank the right person for that - The One and Only True God, the Creator of Universe. My heart is filled with gratitude to Him who called me out of my darkness, of my despair, of my confusion into His wonderful light. Father is the most important. Jesus in a manger is given the crown of heaven because He fulfilled His Father's will and finished what He was asked for. That makes me think of what life I should lead...

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

(John 10:10)

3 Days to Christmas

Unusual ending of the year, and the start of the next one will be hectic and on the road. Plans, schedules, and anticipation of peace and rest. Thinking of the One who would wake me up at 4:50 am last couple of  nights, I guess, just to talk to me and have my attention. He has been my faithful companion through the desert in my soul this year showing me the way through complex woods of feelings towards the conscious decision about following Him, helping me to understanding that only He matters and is my life, my living water. I know everything is possible when He is with me, the One who couple of thousand years ago was born in the most unlikely places for geniuses, kings, or any other men of power. In a manger. His story tells me that He is about everyday situations, about our daily lives, about our routines. That it matters to Him more than burnt offerings, more than religious acts of worship, because true worship for Him is our daily reliance on Him and pursue of His perfect will for us. And in the midst of all the worries of the world, I find myself wanting nothing else and nothing less, but His will be done unto my life as it is in heaven. One more step towards the Kingdom-based life. Kingdom of heaven is like:

• the landowner...
• the mustard seed...
• the net...
• the yeast...
• the owner of the house...
• the treasure...
• a merchant...
• a king...
• a man sowing...
• ten virgins...
• a man going on a trip...

It's not about the place. It's about becoming a person with a certain lifestyle: devoted to the one who is the King of this Kingdom, living according to His principles, seeking to please Him not in a trying-to-buy-His-love way, but rather in a not-wanting-to-upset-His-heart-because-I-love-Him manner. You don't do wrong to the One you say you love. And today, more than in any other day of my walk with Him I can say I love Him. I want to stay at His feet. And so I stay... Here. With Him. This Christmas. Celebrating His birthday. And I feel liberated.

Faith, Hope and Love

To have faith in God is not an easy task. You have to trust someone you don't see, and believe He is good and wants the best for your life even if things at the moment are not going really to a "good" direction. It always seems that the way I see it and foresee it is much better and more obvious. Still... there are situations when you don't know how it will go if it goes your way. There is no assurance that you will definitely have things the way you imagined or strategized... I wonder if you can "strategize" things at all in the matter like this - I mean, relationship. You start having hope that somehow it will turn out well... even if things don't seem to even go that way. How do you check if the person actually thinks of you or does actually feel something? I mean, I'm a girl and have certain assumptions, hypothesis on how the guy should show whether he is interested. I really have this problem now about figuring out what is going on and... if anything is going on. I'd like to think that it is... but as some one from "Pride and Prejudice" said, 'If he liked you you would have to talk to him.' Maybe I hope for something that' not there - a particular person to act the way I imagine he should. And here I stop. Understanding that I might just be in love with him cause I don't want to daydream about him. I want to wait until he comes (if he comes) back. Wait with hope. And even if this is not to happen, I know that it was the most enriching experience for me God gave me in my life up till now. And it is really difficult to let it go, because it actually might be very real that it was one time in a life time that we met. How do you stay sane when you get divided with someone you tied yourself to by thousands of miles with no assurance that you meet someday? How do you go on? How do you find strength to wake up with the hope and belief that it's worth to get you butt out of bed and do something useful? Only by faith. Faith in God, that He has something more in store than your eyes can see and you mind can think of. Unto that I hold even though it might seem stupid to someone... I think it is romantic :)

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 

(Hebrews 11:1)

A New Road to Be Taken

I see I haven't written in a while, but is to be shared without the doubt for me. I'm too excited about God actually working in my life.
He has shown me the doors, I entered... Why such a big deal? Well, to let you know a bit about me, I have to say I am a kind of person who is very much into deciding how God will/should work out things He shows to me:) I mean, He says, 'Kristina, this is the road.' and I would rush in and take my own direction and decide on my own what needs to be done. This time it's different - I'm learning one step at a time. And that one step be taken together with God and on His timing. I'm kind of re-living the words of God told to the church of Philadelphia, 'These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.' God said, He knows how to bring it to pass. And for me it is really a challenge not to start fussing around worrying what to do, or instructing and suggesting God with the ideas how it should look like, but let Him open the doors and show the direction. For me it is a new experience. So... What is that new road?
It looks a lot that situation of my country in terms of human trafficking has caught God's eye, and He stirred up my heart on that as well. I know that Lithuania is one of the top countries where this issue is very sore. So, God stirred up my heart at Colour 2011 and I had a thought what could I do? I'm all alone, who else cares? The nugde got lost in thousands of other daily cares. January 2012 came, and again - PASSION 2012 livestream. This time it hit harder. God reminded how close to the whole thing I was myself.  After a while I had a reminder from the movie "Lord of the Rings" where Galadriel told Frodo a golden statement, 'Even the smallest person can change the course of events' or something like this. Being a busy person I started to think twice on any new activity I am taking up. So it was this time. But you know how it is when you know that you kind of have made a decision, but you are trying to find an excuse not to take it up? It feels like you are walking with a mirror in front of you in which you see that something is wrong on your face - you never walk properly cause you cannot look straight. So, I signed up for an abolotionist at A21, contacted it for more information, and they came back with a permission to use their material at the women conference that we were about to have in a month or so. Then, I planned the kind of big presentation for that even with videos and lots of information. Challenge: 2 days before the event the coordinator called and said it was too sad for an inspiration day, and maybe I should just do a short call for prayer and that's it. That just took my energy out. I thought to myself, 'Don't they see it as a problem? This is serious stuff, and actually this could be an inspiration for women to get involved in something that really matters!' As you might have guessed, I became a complainer. That Thursday was actually a breakthough line in my understanding about Satan's atacks, how he discourages people. Suddenly, I understood that he was playing with my pride and feelings of unadequacy. God helped me to get myself together and do what I can in that situation - I prepared a small leaflet with some of the info on the issue and a prayer guide, called for prayer during the event, prayed and invited to take these leaflets back home to the churches, inform women to pray for our people to get rescued from the bondage of modern slavery, especially girls who have been trafficked into sex slavery. In that event I met an American missionary ministering in Ukraine, and when we talked a bit she mentioned she had some contacts in Moldova - organizations who were doing some training. After the event,  I got involved in volunteering for translation of the material, got in contact with people who actually worked in the field - it's amazing what Facebook can do here! God continues to bring people into my life who has stories of their own, or who are interested and see the need for more involvement in this. What He keeps telling me is that it's His job to organize everything. All that He wants me to do is to be a vessel available for Him to use in the right moment and in a right time. And more - it is not about me... It's all about Him, and for Him, and through Him. I can do everything through the one who strengthens me (Phillipians 4:13) May the Lord God be praised for all the mighty works He has done and keeps doing!

Ministry

So many times we say that people need Jesus in their lives, but what that means? Today I was actually teaching an old lady on the bus how to fight for the right thing to happen! Our conversation had some turn and tears showed up in her eyes when she started to speak that she struggles financially to have enough food on her table. Holy Spirit convicted me in my heart of my pride, of my tendency to be "know-it-all" girl. I was humbled.
 People complain about different sorts of things, mostly starting and ending up in blaming government for not doing something for us, for not caring about our daily lives or not having idea about what struggles we are facing day after day. But it all comes down to that fact that we need someone to be around to help with our struggles, we need each other - not the government. The question popped up in my mind: "Do I know what people around me actually need or am I simply seeing everyone as sinful heathens and judging them for not knowing Jesus?" Am I a Pharisee or the follower and disciple of Jesus?
Ministry. What does it actually mean to minister, to be a follower of Jesus, to be His disciple? Is it just talking about how one needs God and He will help one in some supernatural way, like bringing manna from the sky? Today, I have that sneaky feeling in my heart that we just got it all wrong: we talk to much and do too little. It needs to be put in the right places: we need to do more and to talk less. We need to learn to listen and to see. We need to actually start to give our lives as a living sacrifice for those in need. We need to stop being super spiritual, and get down to earth and see what we need to do for those around us because true Christianity lies in living your faith not in a prayer room (there is a place and time for spiritual disciplines in our lives), but out there in a world where we are called to be the salt and the light. God has given us everything we need. God IS everything we need: He is our perfect parent who adopted us through Jesus, He is our perfect Lover who fullfils our emotional needs, He is our perfect Boss who has it all under control. We are in a wonderful company of trust and comfort, and support, and provision when we are with Him and in Him. But... we need to be out there working with Him in the lives of people who don't know His love. And we have to do this not through talking, but through doing, through meeting the needs of those around us: financial, material, emotional or spiritual. To do that we need to start looking around, and communicating with people, hearing them.
Start small.
Don't look far.
Start from your own house, your neighbours.
Look around.
Notice.
Pray.
Go.
Be simple and loving.
And may God of all grace be with you.

A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fool's eyes wander to the ends of the earth. 

(Proverbs 17:24)

Terra Incognita

When I think about it, almost a year passed since I actively wrote something here... And what brings me back is something I cannot understand. I have to say, I don't know what stopped me from sharing my thoughts here either. There times when something dies in you, and you know that there has to be another path you have to start walking, and for some time you stand on the crossroad asking yourself and most probably God where to turn. I don't know how we loose our path, but it just happens. Sometimes you get tired of being watchful...
But here I am again. Started walking the path which I was not looking for and have no idea where it leads. The only thing I hear is, "Be still and trust me". It's the still small voice of the Holy Spirit. How do I know? It calls me to trust no one and nothing else but the promise of God made through the cross where Jesus died for my transgressions. The promise of becoming a child of a loving, caring Dad, who has plans for my well-being. Maybe not in this world, but with the hope of having one for eternity. On the other hand, I really believe that God wants to bless us in this life as well; He just don't wat us to believe that this life is all we have. With these thoughts, I'm trusting Him to clarify the situation I am in now... The situation of my heart. I want to believe that every woman on this planet earth wants to be loved and to give love. I'm not an exception. And we strive to have relationship where we would experience at least a little bit of the fairy-tale we long to be real in our life. Terra incognita for me is that I'm willingly giving my story with a man into God's hands, stepping back a bit and waiting for him, the man, to make his decision without my intrusion. My flesh goes against it with all that it has, but Christ said that we have to kill fleshy desires with the Spirit. And so I am willing to do. My spirit, my heart wants to wait, my flesh wants to flirt and attract. It's a battle and I have no idea what is waiting for me on the other side of this stormy sea. But I have resolved in my heart to wait upon the Lord, and may He help me through it.

A thought

A moment comes in your life when you want to reveal yourself just as you are without showing off or trying to attract someone; when you don't want to fascinate someone, but you want that someone would simply marvel at you and delight in being with you just as you are; when you understand that you want to simply be known and you want to simply know someone.

This was the thought I had couple of days before leaving for Belarus. And when I look at what happened during these 3 weeks from that moment, I see that God has heard my prayer without me even praying about it... He definitely knows what we need and He gives that right on time.

I love God

I love God... How He comes to me, how He approaches me, and talks to my heart about things, hw He whsipers into my ears. I don't always nderstand what He says, but He lifts my eyes up, and I feel a soft breeze blowing through my soul, lifting my thoughts up from the earthly worries. In everything He says He whispers His "I love you", "You are my daughter", "You are my precious kid". In all He says and does, He puts His stamp of love and caring.
I say that I love God, but when He calls me to come and talk to Him, I stop and ponder that. I'm afraid to lose control, to let go... I feel worry inside on what would happen if I do let go and dive in... if I completely devote my self to Him. "Will you go where I go?" The fact is that I am reluctant to choose His way though I definitely don't want to choose the other option of not being with Him. "There is no other way", the words of Frodo baggings comes to my mind when a whisper in the dark tries to tempt my with the thought that maybe I'm too harsh on myself by giving only 2 option: with God or wihtout Him. Maybe it's only me thinking too proud of being a special tool for His purposes. But it is all very serious because you cannot make compromises or dealings with the world. There is no other way, but to leave everything behind for the glory of God, the best Dad in all the universe... I want to go God's way.

The everyday need-to-do for Christian

When people hear me talk about God, they say they like to hear all the stories and get inspired by my faith and walk with God. Actually, I'm inspired myself by what God is doing in my life. It just lifts me up everytime I'm about to fall down... And now God has revealed me a little bit of what my future ministry is up to be. I need to pray for direction, I need to seeke His will and guidance. Everything is so overwhelming and so powerful that I just ask God whether He has made the right decision by picking me... And I'm reminded of Mary, Jesus mother, of Abraham, Joseph, Peter and other apostoles and people used by God. They were all simple men and women who just believed the mighty God and trusted Him. And the bottom line is that I'm just afraid of taking up the responsibility for things He has already arranged for me... I have to break free and dance in His love as one of the songs lines it up. I need to break free. I WANT to break free. It's all about the desire of your heart. The Bible says that your heart is where put your treasure (Luke 12:34) Do you want God or do you want the wordly things first? When I read the Gospels, I see that if you want to be righteous before God you have to leave everything. It doesn't mean that you have to detach from everything physically. But what you definitely have to detach from everyhting is your heart. When my heart is with God, when it is lifted up and wordhiping my Father in heavens, I love, I have compassion, I can talk to people about Christ, invite them to accept the love of God and give their lives to God. It's all because I'm overflowing with the Holy Spirit. But that is only possible if you stay connected. And you stay connected if you watch and pray. This is the time and activity that satan will always try to intrude in a Christian's life by overloading him or her with a thought that there is one more urgent thing that needs to be done right NOW. I need to fight for my time with God, and my enemy most of the times is not satan, but my flesh which is so susceptible to satan's "good ideas". So let's fight!

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
(James 4:7)

Priceless

God is amazing how He works everything together, and encourages you (in this case, me:)) from different angles, using people even from the far away countries:) It was like a confirmation for all His speaking during this week that I should not get discouraged in what I'm doing and that everything is fine with people around me, and that everything is fine with me :)) Yes, we are all people. Sometimes as a leader I face this great challenge of getting tired of trying over and over, of keeping smiling, and... being in a leadership position. Sometimes I would just love to advise God to choose somebody else because I don't think I'm capable. There are times when I want to just leave my ministry because I'm failing or nothing changes... Sometimes I start asking God, "Is it worth trying and speaking out the same things over and over?". His answer amazes me and shuts me up - He always shows me the cross and shows me in my past and me today. And the answer is always - YES, IT'S WORTH:) With this, God is always inviting me to look through the purposes why I'm doing what I'm doing, to understand the reason for "the season":)

I was praying the other night, and going through the quizz-for-God thing called "Are you sure, you picked the right girl?":) And the answer was, "I choose the vessels...". I ended it up, "but a vessel has the freedom to choose whether it wants to be filled..." understanding that it is up to me to choose whether I will let God to use me. Do I want to be the unique vessel of God and be used in the ways I have never imagined or do I want to keep being miserable and not capable and comparing myself to someone...? During this 1st month of the new decade God has been showing me a whole lot of times that He doesn't need perfect people to complete His work on the Earth, that He is the perfect God who enables us to do things beyond our understanding... I don't need to be perfect all knowing girl to get the right husband, I don't need to be a perfect wife or Mom or friend or teacher or leader. All I really need is to make myself available for God to fill me with what He has prepared for me, to be open to Him... simply to believe that I have everything I need to have for Him to work through me. And to believe that, I need to trust Him. And I can trust Him only if I know that He accepts me the way that I am. And I know that He accepts me only when I know that He loves me unconditionally. And I know that He loves me unconditionally in Christ whom He send and let Him die for my inadequacies and transgressions before I was even born knowing that I will make all the mistakes I have made. It's humbling when you understand that God waits only for your decision to be available for Him, and He will start enabling you the very minute you will do that... It's an awesome feeling when you understand that our creative God has a plan and purpose for EVERYBODY. It doesn't matter how small and unimportant you might feel, He sees deeper than that. He knows what He has put in you. And He never doubts about His choice...

Getting deeper and wider

It seems that 2 Thursdays ago God just wanted to let me know about His love for me even more, to the depth that I had never thought He did loved me, and cared for me. It was the day when I suddenly felt back to my teenhood. It was time when the door for receiving love, understanding and simple relationship were shut, and life became more complicated than it had to be. That day I made the most disruptive decision of my life - that I'm not important, that people who are dare to me do not care about me, and they don't hear me, they don't care about my questions.

2 weeks ago I told God that I feel as if that time has just came back. I felt tough, and I knew it was time to talk to God, but I was just delaying the time for prayer, walking from one corner to another, and trying to avoid to hear what He wanted me to tell me. Finally, I gave up... I sat of the sofa and began to talk to Him about what was going in my mind and my heart... Suddenly, I heard His voice saying, "You are important to me. I hear you. And I heard you back then." The room filled up with cry in which you could feel the mixture of emotions: gratefulness, grief, joy, pity... I cried for almost half an hour. I never thought that it would be so important for my heart to hear those words. It seemed that the most painful thing came out in the light to be healed by the gracious hand of God. I needed freedom, I needed the release from the prison of bitterness and defensiveness I was in for so long. It seemed that a waft of fresh air filled me in, and suddenly all my life was painted in totally different colours. Or maybe my eyes were opened. I was taken out of the darkness of the land called DESPAIR, HOPELESS, MISTRUST, SCEPTISISM. Well, it seems I was the citizen of several countries:) There is nothing more wonderful than to be free from captivity of negativity. There is nothing more wonderful than to know that there is always someone who will hear your every cry, who will know your every thought, and every doubt, every pain, every desperation. Who will always be there for you. Who will tell you, "Don't be afraid, I'm here with you. No one can harm you." The most wonderful thing is that God respects and loves me so much that He haven't intruded with all these comforting words ahead of time, but knew exactly when I will need to hear those words, and they will make the most impact on me. I JUST LOVE THE WAY HE LOVES PEOPLE. He is so gentle, so on-time, so understanding, so comporting that no words can express that... At least, I don't find enough or the right one... I'm in awe!!! And I' more in love with Him than ever. He is my man:))

Freedom on the way

It's such an interesting period of my life. I'm in danger in saying the same thing over and over, but I guess it is always somewhat different because it is different season of life.
For me it is still hard to believe that God is SO good to me. I do feel blessed, but it feels as though I have set some limits up to which God's blessing can go, how far He can bless me... IT'S SO STUPID!!! Who am I to set boundaries for Him?! I mean, I can do that, and He doesn't go more than I let Him into my life, more than I can bear, but He always wants to bless me more... This is the thing that fascinates me the most. He doesn't settle half-way. He wants His blessing to go all the way to the end in my life, He wants to bless me abundantly so that my every need would be fulfilled fully, 100% or even more:) It's just me who cannot believe that someone can be so good to me... It's me who believe in average blessings, but not abundant. It's not about being richer or being smarter or being more beautiful or more popular and cool. It's not about you having something, but about the one who has you... It's about believing in Might God who loves you and is ready and able to give everything you need for the life He has given to you. I love Him, and I want to shine His love around. But unless I LET Him guide my steps and GO His ways, I will never be able to experience how abundant and never-ending His love is and will not be able to show that to others. In MATRIX I hear "Free your mind" (which definitely means that you have to believe that you are able to do one or another thing), and I hear God say "Open your heart" which means "Let my love come into you to give you comfort and assurance that never goes in vain that never fades." This is the real freedom - knowing that you can live with who you are and being secure in His hands and supervision. I have the father I've always dreamed of but never though I can have...

Where is He?

For several days already I've been thinking of some stuff related to living with God. Sometimes it seems so complicated and sometimes so easy. Complicated cases come up with some difficult life situations mostly... Is God where He is supposed to be - in the first place, above all my everyday things? And I see other people struggling with this thing... And the struggle is not something related to being a very difficult task. The struggle is that it is hard to BELIEVE in the simplicity of God. I mean, I can't believe that it is this simple - just living with Him, walking around, doing your work, and helping other people to see His love and their sinfulness. Well, the last I guess should be vice versa:) I became so peaceful inside, I take failures so easy, I do not stress for a long time, and the list can go on. I didn't become perfect, but God healed my heart, and now the most difficult thing is when I have to explain to people that there is no point of being worried. Is God on the throne in my life? I'm trying to keep Him there though I have to admit that there are times I'd like things to go my way. But I see that I am learning to trust Him more and more. That makes me to rejoice, and at the same time confuses me a lot. Why? Because I don't know how to live, I feel unsecure... But again - I'm learning;)

God of trust

I just wanted to share my recent experiences of trusting God in everyday situations. And a question popped out in my mind: how many times God said to His people, "I will take care of you" in one or another way? He showed it and was repeating this over and over. Glory to Him for this patience with us! Sometimes we really trust our Lord too little. I remember Peter walking on water towards Jesus. Our faith vanishes with even a small rippling in our comfortable life... It is amazing to watch other, and myself at some point, trying to control all situation of their lives. We get stressful, sad, worried, doubting about so many things, that are not going the way we imagined them to be. We forget that it is not our hands who are our provider. On Thursday I interpreted during an evening service in one church, and the pastor spoke on being in the desert. Things that he told, moments of that exodus of Israel that he mentioned... they were so strongly speaking to my current state, current situation. God reminded how He took care of me in the difficult times of my life, how He provided me. I don't remember how that was at that time, to tell the truth... I just know that He did took care of me, provided me with everything I needed. He is doing the same at the moment as well. Just me... I don't give Him proper gratitude... and trust. When you begin to feel confident in your situation, and start thinking that it is your work, your skills, qualification, knowledge earns you provision, then you start drowning, because you are not putting your faith on the One who is actually the only able to keep you above the water. I unerstood that this morning: Sunday morning in my office when I was trying to figure out if I a not falling into sin with going to work on things I haven't finished through the week... What does it mean to celebrate the sabath? Sometimes I don't know if that should be just an visual celebration or inner. I just know that I have to do my work because otherwise that will be concidered irresponsibility even by our Lord. I remember Christ healing on Sabath, doing good deeds on that day and saying that His Father is still working... I know He will answer this question for me, and if I do wrong I will have my punishment. Still in this furious time of my life when it seems that the week is gone in 5 minutes, and you remember only Monday and Friday with the rest of the days dropped out from your mind, I know that He knows it, sees it, and wants to come to help me... I know I have no control of the next week's things, and I am really nervous, my mind freaks out when I think about tasks I will have to manage, but... My heart has peace... When I think about my decision I have made in my mind, I feel peace though my flesh tries to keep me back. This is really amazing when you can laugh even in the midst of all the wordly worries. You have peace, and you work in peace, and you ake decisions in peace, because you know that God is here for you:) And the evil thoughts that we bother Him with our prayers, and asking for help should be cast away... Far far away. He showed what His love for us and everyhting is. And this is a BIG LOVE painted with blood on the cross.