Station

Here I am - standing in the station waiting for my train to take me to... where? Thinking of you and the road I have walked. Thinking of everything that had happened during the year. The changes are coming. Where I will go from here? So much uncertainty that my mind starts palying tricks, and it becomes hard to focus. To focus on life, on people, on what is going on in my heart and in my mind. To focus on here and now. The thunder, the lightning, the wind comes up and tries to take off the roof. It scares me to death, this very  close proximity of actually going insane. I grab my anchor to stay in the state of sanity - faith. Maybe these kind of things don't happen to "normal" people, I mean, people without faith? Or maybe this happens to them, but just because they are without faith the gravity of insanity takes over them and they "fly" without wings straight down into a bottomless pit of their alter ego...
You are constantly driven into this frame of thinking how things should be in your life. It's like in the Matrix: if you are out of box, if you do not fit in, you will always get these weird penetrating looks towards you by strangers. Maybe I watch too many movies? People read books, watch movies, TV, their parents and relatives (enoug of soap operas around us) and develop these strategies of life, and some succeed to stand firm on the ground, and seem to live happily ever after. And there are others... Why some have to fight their right to be who they are? How come there are always people who are not satisfied with what they are and what they have and they strive for more? I feel that person... Or maybe it's just another leap, step forward and the time to move came when I was standing for too long. Maybe that is why... Things are starting to change, and this vacuum, this waiting room is so... scary. I want to stand up and run back. Run back to my old life where everything is so familiar and... unsatisfying. And there... There is something that is satisfiying yet uncertain, uncomfortable and unknown. And lively, colourful. Waiting is hard, especially when the train is postponed over and over, and you sit in the same place a day, two days or even 4. It just starts to piss you off. I'm getting irritated with any explanation and pity. These do not help. I need a simple "not yet" and, if possible, when it will be "time". Or maybe there is another route which I can take.
So, I'm waiting here in the station of NOWHERE. Waiting for my train to... somewhere with faith but a thread that the one who is driving it will come on time and will still be there in my sanity.

For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it shall speak and not lie, though it tarry, wait for it because it will surely come, it will not tarry.

(Hab 2:3)